The Myth of the Strong-but-Silent Leader

Why those 3am thoughts don’t make you weak; they make you human

We joke about them, but we all know they’re real. The 3am thoughts. The ones that crash into your brain mid-sleep like a toddler in wellies:

• Did I ever respond to that parent complaint?

• Why did I phrase it like that in the meeting?

• What if that spreadsheet isn’t saved?

• Should I have challenged that comment from the governor more directly?

  
  

Whether it’s dread or drive, those thoughts take hold.....And tomorrow, you'll still show up with eyes like a tree full of owls on gate duty.

It’s not always fear. Sometimes it’s fire.

It’s easy to frame 3am wake-ups as anxiety. And often, they are. But sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they come from a place of energy, ambition, purpose:

• You’ve got ten ideas and no idea where to begin.

• You shared something at SLT that landed, and now you’re wondering how to turn it into action.

• You’ve been pushing for a change, and suddenly the door feels ajar…

  
  

And yet, even when it’s good stuff, the weight still feels the same. Because it’s heavy holding things alone. Especially when you feel like you need to have it all figured out before you share it.

Coaching doesn’t fix you. It frees you.

Here’s what I know, both as a coach and a former headteacher: The thoughts that wake you up at 3am aren’t the problem. They don't cause the damage. The damage is caused through believing you have to hold them all by yourself. Coaching gives you a space to bring those tangled thoughts; whether they’re worries, wins, or what-ifs ,and untangle them into something you can actually work with.

Not to be “fixed.”Not to be “stronger.”But to be clearer. More grounded. More you.

Especially if you're leading while "other"

And if you’re a leader navigating a role or environment that wasn’t really built with you in mind because of your race, gender, disability, faith, age, or sexuality, those 3am thoughts hit differently. They’re not just about tasks. They’re about belonging.

About:

• how much of yourself you can show

• whether showing it will cost you credibility

• what it means to lead when no one else in the room looks or sounds like you.

  
  

You carry not just the work, but the emotional weight of feeling you have to keep proving you deserve to be there, long after your peers have been handed their VIP passes into the 'Leaders Club'.

Coaching gives you space to exhale. To explore how to stay true to who you are and thrive in the space you’re in without burning out or selling yourself short.

You don’t need to white-knuckle your way through leadership.

If this all feels close to home, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

But you do deserve support that gets it. That sees the whole picture, not just the job title or the inbox.

I’ve supported leaders just like you to:

• navigate workload and identity stressors

• build confidence in their voice and decisions

• move from pressure to purpose.

  
  

If you're tired of spending a fortune on coffee and concealer and are ready to stop carrying it all at 3am; coaching might be the next best step. You can book a free discovery call here or drop me a message to find out more.