“Thanks, But No Thanks: What Rejection Can Still Teach Us”.

There’s a particular sting that comes with professional rejection. Not the big dramatic kind, but the slow, creeping kind. The polite email, the generic phrasing, or the worst of all… silence.

Over recent months, I’ve had a few of those moments. Some courteous, some vague, and some so quiet I wondered if my messages had been sent by carrier pigeon. And judging by the number of posts from educators and leaders on LinkedIn recently, I’m far from alone.

Rejection is something we rarely talk about honestly, despite how universal it is, especially in education. But from a coaching perspective, there is so much to learn in these moments, if we give ourselves permission to look beneath the initial sting.

“You did everything brilliantly… but we’re not taking you forward.”

Someone I know, a bright, capable Early Career Teacher, has been on a run of interviews where the feedback has been glowing:

“The best lesson we saw all day.” “You answered everything beautifully.” “You’re clearly very talented.” Followed inevitably by: “But we’ve gone with someone with a bit more… something.”

If you’ve ever been there, you’ll know the emotional whiplash. The moment you’re told you were excellent.....just not chosen.

It reminded me of something I see over and over in coaching: People can demonstrate genuine skill, talent, and potential, and still not be appointed.

Not because they aren’t capable. But because recruitment is a deeply human, deeply imperfect system. Your competence is measurable. People’s impressions are not. And sometimes the two simply don’t line up.

The story we tell ourselves afterwards matters more than the outcome

When a “no” arrives; especially without meaningful feedback, our minds race to fill the gaps.

• “Maybe I’m not good enough.”

• “Maybe I said something wrong.”

• “Maybe they saw something I didn’t.”

• “Maybe they never intended to choose me anyway.”

  
  

These are stories, not facts.

In coaching, we work with three layers of reflection after a setback:

1. The Facts

What was actually said? What actually happened? What information do I truly have?

This layer is grounding, and often the one we skip.

2. The Story

What meaning have I attached to this? If someone else told me the same story, would I interpret it as harshly?

This is where self-doubt tends to grow.

3. The Insight

What does this experience reveal about what I value, what I need, or where I want to go? Is this a skill gap? A preference? A pattern? Or simply a reminder that this wasn’t the right environment for me?

Rejection is painful, but it can also be clarifying.

The System Problem: Recruitment in Education is Struggling

Let’s name it without blaming individuals: Recruitment in education is under real pressure.

• Timelines are tight.

• Panels change last-minute.

• Feedback is often generic or withheld entirely because of workload or risk.

• And communication can be… let’s call it economical.

I've coach so many leaders who have left an interview feeling deflated not because they lacked skill, but because they were left with no meaningful sense of why they weren’t selected.

And if you’re someone who leads with relational skill, lived experience, creativity, or values-led thinking? You may not always fit the “traditional mould” that some panels unconsciously favour. Your value isn’t the issue. The system is still catching up.

A Gentle Reflection for Recruiters, Too

Something I often find myself wondering (with curiosity rather than criticism) is what silence says on the other side of the table.

Not responding is still a form of feedback. Just not the helpful kind.

So here are some coaching-style reflections I often share with senior leaders and recruiters around their role in the process:

• What story does your recruitment process tell candidates about your values?

• If someone walked away without hearing back, what might they reasonably conclude about your communication, care, or culture?

• What impact might that have on your reputation in a sector where word-of-mouth carries real weight?

  
  

These aren’t judgements. They’re invitations to reflect, refine, and model the integrity we expect from candidates.

Because recruitment is not just about selecting someone. It’s about how your organisation shows up in the process.

Rejection hurts ...but it’s also data

One of the most freeing things I say to clients (and sometimes to myself) is:

“A ‘no’ doesn’t always mean you weren’t good enough. Sometimes it means that wasn’t the room where your strengths were going to shine.”

Some roles require a specific skillset. Some panels choose familiarity over potential. Some decisions reflect internal dynamics you’ll never see. And occasionally, the greatest gift is being redirected, not selected.

If you’re navigating rejection right now, here are some coaching prompts to explore:

1. What actually happened, separate from the story I’m telling myself?

2. Where did I show strength, even if others didn’t mention it?

3. Which part of this is about me, and which part clearly isn’t?

4. What evidence do I have that I’m still growing?

5. What would I do differently next time for my sake, not theirs?

6. Which of my values felt activated or undermined in this process?

7. What possibilities does this “no” create that a “yes” might have closed?

   
   

Rejection isn’t always a judgement. Sometimes it’s direction. Sometimes it’s protection. Sometimes it’s the universe saying, “Not this door. Try the next one.”

And if you’re feeling bruised by the process? You’re not alone. You’re human. And you’re in very good company.